


Depression

by imaginaryfriendashkun



Series: Barrison - Post S2 [1]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Depression causing meta, Gen, M/M, Meta (OMC), One Sided Love, Season 2 ending spoilers, Suicide and Depression Awareness, Trigger Warnings, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 02:05:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7147895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginaryfriendashkun/pseuds/imaginaryfriendashkun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Henry's death, Barry is growing more reckless. Harry and Jesse have returned to Earth 1 after sending Garrick (Henry's Earth 3 doppelganger back). </p><p>Meanwhile a meta whose powers have not yet been identified is on a rampage and Barry's hit and it's left to Harry to pick up the pieces.</p><p>NOTE: S2 ending spoiler, Suicide and depression - trigger warning<br/>A little bit of awareness on Depression and Suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Depression

**Author's Note:**

> I have been toying with ideas about Harry and Barry for a while - Harry has mellowed out and Barry's random bursts of anger and frustration and sadness. I hope I have done justice to their character and not made them OOC. 
> 
> It's awareness about Depression but I also tried to keep Harry and Barry in character. Hope it worked. 
> 
> It's unbetaed and please point out major mistakes - grammar, plot, characterization, spelling, wherever you think I can improve in the review. Thank you :)

"Barry, are you all right?" asks Caitlin through the communication device. 

 

Barry is in the city, running after a meta human, a normal day for him. Cisco, Harry, Jesse and Caitlin are at the S.T.A.R labs currently communicating with him so that they can help him defeat the meta human without Barry getting hurt in the process. It's not helping much as it looks like Barry doesn't want to listen to their suggestions.

 

That's the problem with Barry, he is so hell bent on thinking about others, saving others that he doesn't think about his own welfare at times, unless it's too late or they force him to listen. Barry can be reckless and impulsive when it comes to other's safety.

 

Barry says, "I am fine, don't worry."

 

Cisco's voice floats through. "Are you sure? He just hit you with some kind of gas, didn't he? We don't even know what his powers are! He called for the Flash and you left just like that without even thinking."

 

Harry adds in a sarcastic tone, "As usual."

 

Jesse smiles a little at the concern hidden in her father's voice. She also remembers the look on everyone's faces in the lab as Barry had rushed out a few minutes before.

 

Barry nods. "Yes, but I don't feel anything abnormal. Nothing's different. And it's my job to keep people safe."

 

Jesse sighs, "Even if it means being hurt in the process?"

 

Jesse can say what everyone is thinking out loud about Barry without worrying. Why are they all not talking to him properly about the risks? As much as it's hard for her to watch Cait, Cisco, Iris and Joe tip toe around Barry, it's even harder to watch her father, the great Harrison Wells walking around Barry like on broken glass or something.

 

Jesse knows that Barry has been through a lot, especially after Zoom's defeat and his father's murder right in front of his eyes but if some one doesn't soon talk to Barry, it's going to only end up worsening the situation. All of them are going to lose Barry. She doesn't want that. She is afraid of the consequences it would have on her dad's state and the other's too.

 

Jesse hopes that her father will talk to Barry as soon as he returns - because he has got this determined look in his eyes, the usual, when it comes to Barry - because if he doesn't, she is going to do it.

 

Barry doesn't reply. Everyone shakes their head. This is something none of them like about Barry. He doesn't care enough about himself. Of course, that is the very reason Harry and Jesse are safe and sound here but still there should be limits to his kindness.

 

Harry says, "Come back. It would be dangerous if there were some delayed effects. Let Caitlin monitor you for a few hours just to be sure."

 

Barry rolls his eyes and replies, "OK, will be there."

 

And the next second, Barry is there in the lab.

 

Jesse and Cait immediately run towards him and drag him towards the infirmary and start doing their tests. Two people, quickly done.

 

No one says anything as Caitlin and Jesse work on Barry. Finally most of the tests are over and Barry's hooked to the monitors. Jesse places her hands on her hips and stares pointedly at her dad. Harry looks at her, takes a deep breath, gulps and nods.

 

Harry then turns towards Barry and... keeps looking at Barry without saying anything for nearly a couple of minutes. 

 

It's enough to drive Jesse mad. She is going to beat some sense into Barry herself and get him to cry and let everything about what he is feeling about Zoom, Eobard, his father, every significant and insignificant detail out. Barry needs help, really desperately needs it and that's exactly why he is pushing everyone in the opposite direction. And why are they letting him do it?

 

Are they waiting for him to come to them on his own? Jesse knows all the signs. It is the same as her father's after he lost her mother. She knows what she has to do. She is just hoping that Harry would take a step and do it instead of her.

 

Harry looks like he has something to say but he doesn't want to say it in front of the others.

 

Caitlin notices the tension between Harry and Jesse. She also notices that Barry is not looking at anyone. She knows that Barry needs this. She had Cisco, Iris, Barry help her when she lost Ronnie the second time. She had the impostor Eobard's help when she lost Ronnie the first time.

 

She nods at Jesse and they both leave the room hoping to all Gods that Harry and Barry would finally talk now that they are being left alone. Cisco follows them realizing that Harry wants to talk to Barry.

 

Barry's vitals are steady for now. Harry knows that the three of them are leaving for his sake. He has to talk to Barry about this.

 

Barry finally looks up and sighs, "Out with it, Harry."

 

Harry snorts. "You do know what I am about to say, don't you?"

 

Barry shrugs and Harry feels his temper snap. He literally hears it and he is sure Barry does too.

 

"Are you suicidal? This is getting out of hand. You were like this before, of course but far the past couple of weeks, after Zoom has been defeated, after your father's death, it has been very hard, Allen! You should stop doing this. Your father would not have wanted this. You doing this will not bring him back. It's the harsh truth. I am not going to be subtle and beat around the bush and sugar coat things for you. It's hard, but this is reality. You have to wake up and face it and stop self destructing and moving on auto pilot."

 

It's Barry's turn to grow angry.

 

"You don't know what my father would have wanted for me! You don't even know the man. Don't speak as if you understand. I am not suicidal. Get the hell away from me. Why did you even come back after helping Garrick to his Earth 3? Why didn't you just stay in your own freaking Earth?! Why are you here speaking as if you know how it feels?"

 

Harry knows that it's the shock and the sadness that's talking but it still does sting a little. He cannot see Barry in this state any longer.

 

"I do understand, Barry. Why can't you see that? I lost my wife, Tess. I nearly lost Jesse. I lost my parents. I have seen a lot of deaths, some personal, some on the job. I do know what it feels like to lose someone. I may not feel exactly the same as you because you lost your mother to some lunatic bastard, lost your father as he was falsely accused of your mother's murder, got him back, only to lose him again to some other psycho - all of these just because of your powers. Right?"

 

Barry tries to open his mouth to say something but Harry shakes his head and removes his glasses and looks into Barry's eyes asking silent permission to continue.

 

Barry's shoulders sag in defeat. He bites his lips and nods.

 

It physically hurts Harry to see Barry in this state. He always has loved Barry's optimism and persistence. It looks like Barry's eyes are dead, like his soul is lost and wandering in an abyss of nothingness, self denial, guilt, darkness and hopelessness. He knows how it feels.

 

"That's how you feel, right? I know, Barry. That's exactly why you are using the same power of yours to put yourself in danger. Are you trying to redeem yourself? This is not how redemption is obtained. I know... because I tried to destroy myself too. I threw myself into my work, our work, actually, Tess and mine. I ignored Jesse. I ignored people. I hated the whole universe. I stayed late at nights, didn't eat properly, didn't sleep properly, didn't take care of my health... until Jesse showed me that there was more to life."

 

"She showed me that it's better to let go of memories of our loved ones after they are gone, it's healthy to let go of their ghosts, to let them go, to move on because that's what they would want. They would want us to be happy. If we are not happy, they can't rest easy, Barry. That's exactly why Jesse is the light of my life." 

 

"That's exactly why I even killed for her sake, to keep her safe. I wouldn't do that anymore. I learn from my mistakes. It took me a long time. I hope it won't for you, you have a lot of people to help you through this. I didn't. But... you do."

 

Barry looks surprised. Harry is not surprised that he has shared all of this with Barry. After all, he does love the young man, he does love the scarlet speedster who is too thick to see that, Barry has eyes only for Iris. Harry doesn't blame him. He just doesn't want the person he loves to be in pain, it's even more focused because Harry doesn't love people easily. He only has a handful of people he cares about.

 

People may think of him as merciless or lonely, he is picky about things like these. Less mess, less complications, less pain. But it hurts more than anything to see the people he care for in pain.

 

Barry doesn't know what to say.

 

Harry, initially had been rude, closed off, when he had first come to Earth 1 in search of Zoom, in search of Jesse. But after being with Barry, Caitlin, Cisco, Iris, West, hell, even the nice persona of Zoom had helped him, had changed him - he still doesn't know for good or for bad. 

 

He had realized slowly what it meant to have people who truly cared for you, to work with people in a fun way and still succeed, to learn about dealing with pain, not giving up and helping others after everything one has been through from Caitlin, to have fun with Cisco while working to increase the productivity and output, to see through a father's point of view with West, to see a hard working, determined kind girl in Iris.

 

And there was Barry - the ball of love, selflessness, recklessness, innocence and strong will, fun and seriousness, goodness - all rolled into one. Barry had come barreling into his heart just as he had come barreling into his life as the Flash.

 

Harry had realized it a while ago as he had started to change, as he had started to mellow, as his ice and caution started to break. That he had fallen in love with the Flash in a Flash without any hesitation.

 

Harry smiles to himself and shakes his head again. He is not in love with the Flash, he is in love with Barry. He would love Barry even if Barry doesn't have his powers.

 

Harry lightly claps Barry's shoulder. "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. But if you are ready, I am here to listen."

 

He drags a stool and sits on it looking at Barry expectantly.

 

Barry looks like he is ready to talk with Harry but Barry's mouth isn't working.

 

Harry knows this is a serious matter but he can't still help but admire how adorable Barry is.

 

There are tears in Barry's eyes. Harry feels awkward, he never likes it when someone he loves cries. He sucks at comforting people. He is very bad at expressing his own emotions. It just ends up usually causing even more damage. He can understand them, but he cannot do anything to help them and that always frustrates him.

 

Just because he has become more human doesn't mean that he has become very good with social interactions. That, however is going to take time, Harry is not very willing to learn it either but times like these... sometimes makes him wish that he had learnt things like these a long time ago.

 

Harry gets up, asks Barry to scoot a little and sits on the bed next to him and places his hand on Barry's hair and softly strokes it. Barry leans towards his touch and Harry takes that as a positive sign. He doesn't say anything. Sometimes, just a silent presence is all that is necessary.

 

**********

 

It looks like Harry had dozed off just like that when a sudden light push wakes him up.

 

He wakes up with a startle groggily and realizes that it's just Caitlin. Sometimes, when he sleeps, he remembers Zoom and it causes him to feel fear like he has never felt before to well up again when he suddenly awakes.

 

There's something wrong, Harry's mind tries to restart because Caitlin is flapping and pacing around worriedly. It would have made him laugh but something tells him that this is serious.

 

Harry's mind catches up with his sleep deprived body.

 

"What's wrong?" 

 

She points at the bed and Harry realizes that Barry is missing.

 

That's not a probable cause for concern, Harry thinks that Barry didn't want to talk, so he left. 

 

But something keeps nagging at his mind. The events of the night come rushing back. They still don't know what the meta's powers are. That is a significant cause for concern.

 

"Cisco and Jesse have gone out to look for him. For some reason, Cisco can't vibe him, so they have gone after him."

 

Harry nods and leaves. Caitlin doesn't ask where he is going. She doesn't have to.

 

**********

 

Harry drives by Barry's parents' grave, Belly Burger, Iris' work place, the cafe. Barry is nowhere. He is not even at his own house. Harry finally decides to drive by Harrison's place.

 

After Henry's death, by mutual unspoken consent, everyone had decided to not leave Barry alone. And this is the first time, after nearly four weeks, Barry has been left alone. Well, they didn't leave him, Barry left on his own but still Harry knows that something bad is about to happen.

 

Harry parks outside Harrison's house and goes to the front door swiftly. The door is open. Harry never liked Harrison's place, it is in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of woods, obscured by trees and nothingness, huge and cold and impersonal. 

 

Harry rushes in without worrying about himself - after all it could be the damn meta, but Barry's safety is priority.

 

Harry - not so calculating anymore, not so cold, not so cruel, not so merciless, is he now?

 

He searches the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom in the ground floor and heads up to the first floor. No one in the first floor either. He goes to the second floor and sees a door wide open. The room is a mess. Everything is mostly broken or torn, nothing is in its place. The window is open and the room is very chilly.

 

Harry goes to the window and sees Barry on the roof. He also sees that tears are streaming down Barry's face and that Barry is too close to the edge for his liking.

 

Harry slowly hoists himself up and climbs carefully. 

 

Barry still hasn't noticed him because he doesn't turn or Barry just probably chose to ignore him. Neither is a good option.

 

Harry gently sits down and slowly speaks, "Allen?"

 

Barry doesn't say anything. Harry whispers, "Barry?"

 

Barry turns and looks at Harry. He brokenly murmurs, "I don't feel well, Harry. It hurts, it's not physical, I just want it to end. I hurt so much, inside. It's hard to go on with the daily things as easily as I used to. I don't see a point anymore. A reason to live. It's like I can't breathe, a burden, really... like it's me against everyone. Like no one would notice if I disappeared or died, no one would miss me. Like people are only using me... like no one really cares. Why? Why, Harry?"

 

Harry knows that a fall from this height is not probably fatal for the Flash but it still would leave broken bones. But they still don't know the meta's powers, what if it slowed down Barry's healing or worse, what if Barry hit something major and fatal on the way down?

 

Harry gently inches towards Barry. 

 

Something's also telling him that Barry's fighting the feeling of wanting to die because he wouldn't have chosen a two story building - Harrison's house - to do it from. There are many other quick, painless ways and Harry shudders thinking about them but it gives him some hope.

 

"A reason to live? You have so many reasons, you have so many options, Barry, you foolish man." He softly whispers, "You have Caitlin, Cisco, Jesse, Iris, Joe, Wally."

 

He hesitates and then adds, "You have me."

 

That makes Barry turn. "You would miss me, Harry? If I died?"

 

Harry's heart beats faster. "You are not going to die, Allen! Damn you."

 

Barry grits his teeth. "Just answer the fucking question, Harry."

 

Harry never thought that he would hear Barry curse. "I would terribly miss you and your constant state of restlessness, chatter, movement, optimism and annoyance. After all, I do love you."

 

Barry smiles through the tears. "You would lie for me?"

 

Harry wants to bang his head on something and pull all his hair out. Barry doesn't believe him, the gall of him!

 

Harry walks forward so as to not startle Barry and holds Barry's hands, "Come away from the ledge and I will tell you again and again till you believe me. I am not lying."

 

Barry squawks, "You are serious, aren't you?"

 

Harry nods.

 

Barry sighs, "Why can't I love you? Why can't I love someone else other than Iris? Why can't she love me? Why does it always have to be like this? I really don't want this. I just want someone to love me, someone to love, to share everything, to share my good things and bad things and smile and laugh and love and love like a normal person and die."

 

"Why are you lying, Allen? You loved the impostor Harrison, didn't you?"

 

Barry blinks brought out of his misery and thoughts temporarily.

 

"I d-on't know what you are talking about."

 

"Don't act as if you don't know what I mean. Otherwise, why would you be here? You always lose the people you love. You always fall in love with the wrong people, isn't that what you are thinking?"

 

"I am foolish, aren't I? I must be abnormal."

 

"You are not normal, Barry. You wouldn't give your powers away for anything. You may wish a normal life but you would never give up your powers easily. And I will always love you. All you have to do is try to love another person. Everyone will help you. You are not alone. All you have to do is try, Barry, just try."

 

"But I am alone, Harry. It hurts so much."

 

"You are not alone. Just come with me. You may not love me but you unconsciously trust me, don't you? Walk with me."

 

Barry lets Harry grip his hands and gently tug him away from the edge. He feels like a burden has been lessened.

 

Barry and Harry both climb into the room and Barry falls asleep on Harry's lap.

 

Harry's phone vibrates. It's Cisco. Harry has to keep it away from his ears because Cisco is very nervous and loud. He hopes Barry won't wake up but it looks like Barry is exhausted and is not going to wake up anytime soon. He listens to Cisco.

 

"The meta human causes depression. A lot of people he attacked have either tried to kill themselves or fallen into a depression. The effects start after four-five hours and also fade away after four-five of hours and sleep. Thank God they are not permanent! Barry's metabolism may be affecting it in a strange way. The damn meta has been at large for nearly a week, that's how I know all this. He has been experimenting with others before trying it out on the Flash! The PD has him somehow under control thanks to our resources. Please tell me Barry is with you, I can't vibe him, the meta's powers are interfering with my powers and I am extremely worried, I am going to die of worry! Harry-"

 

Harry gently interrupts Cisco's heated rant. "He is with me, he is fine, don't worry. Tell the others for me, will you?"

 

Cisco's sigh of relief followed by a whoop of cheer makes Harrison smile softly. Harrison hangs up and looks at Barry. 

 

He promises himself not to leave Barry alone. This thing between them may or may not work. If Barry's willing to try, Harry will to. If not, Harry will help Barry find a person to love, to get out of his depression. Harry will never leave Barry alone ever again. And he always tries his best to keep his promises, especially with his loved ones.

**Author's Note:**

> Suicide and Depression aren't easy to deal with on your own. It's hard, everyone has different limits. Please find help if you are depressed or if someone you know is depressed or suicidal.
> 
> http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  
> http://www.depressiontoolkit.org/aboutyourdiagnosis/depression.asp  
> http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm
> 
> This is my way of creating a little bit of awareness. This is a serious issue. With the way the world is today and the way people are, depression is very common. It's like a battle field. I don't want anyone to go through all that alone. 
> 
> I may not understand it completely but I want to help and I have my beliefs. Sorry if I have hurt anyone by mistake in the story. Please correct me so I can correct and re-edit, re-post the story!
> 
> Please feel free to talk to me anytime. Thank you for reading and reviewing. Take care, keep your loved ones close and keep safe.


End file.
